Learnin' and Lovin'

God has given our family a good bit of uncertainty lately. It’s chaotic financially, physically and emotionally. I have talked about how He is teaching me Patience. And Trust. But I think it’s more than these individual lessons. It’s that it’s OK to have everything up in the air. We need these core concepts, trust and patience, to get through uncertain and chaotic circumstances. But, I think I am getting a glimpse of the bigger picture. To have trust and patience IN absolute uncertainty. Confused? So am I. I’m still figuring all of this out. But I can tell you this. In the midst of our mess, I can see Him working on us so clearly. Just when Jimmy was getting ready to start a manual labor job with a difficult schedule, he was offered a wonderful position that he enjoys and that gives us financial security. Just when we were about to hit rock bottom with our savings account, our house refinance went through (thanks to an absolute miracle on the appraisal), lowering our mortgage and delaying our next payment THEN we were able to trade cars to one that both lowers our monthly payment and saves us $200 per month in gas. These are just a few examples of His provision over the past week. Not to mention last week's provision.

It is now so obvious to me that He is saying “hey, I know you think your life is a scary mess right now but, you MUST trust me. I have great things in store for you.” I just picture Him up there on His beautiful throne (yes, that’s how I imagine Him), watching, and saying “waaaait for it...waaaait for it...waaaait for it...ok, here you go! See, I told you I’d come through!” He’s got a tough subject on His hands. I know that, and I’m working on it. I’m trying to take this opportunity to watch Him work, learn about myself and CHANGE myself.

I don’t want to simply keep my head above water and doggy paddle to shore to survive this storm, just to struggle the next time things get hairy. I want to take a close look at each wave that threatens to crash on my head and gain the strength I need to survive this storm, and future storms. I want to find my floaties and learn how to swim, if you will. Or make a surfboard and ride this baby to shore. I’m going to survive this storm a stronger person. A different person. That’s what He wants for me, and that’s what I want for myself.

So, I’ve been doing a LOT of thinking. Trying to sort through all of the thoughts, worries and wishes that are swirling through my brain at warp speed as these obstacles are being thrown our way. Through all of this, He’s giving me an opportunity to make changes in my life. So, I’m digging deep into my heart to see what it is I need to make me happy. To make me secure. And to make me relax. I’ll write more about what I’m learning later, when I have a little bit longer to gather my thoughts and find my floaties. One immediate conclusion that I have come to is that most of it centers around how much I love my baby. I love everything about her. And, in the quest to direct my life to what’s best for me, I know one thing that will be a good bridge between now and then -- loving on my little girl. Her love never fails to fulfill me. I’ve been concentrating on enjoying every moment with her, and not getting frustrated when she doesn’t brush her teeth as quickly as I want her to, or doesn’t stay seated at dinner time, or doesn’t go potty in the timeframe that I want her to — I’m concentrating on not letting my nerves get the best of me when she doesn’t fit nicely into my idea of a routine. And I was able to do just that this weekend. Between birthday parties with her good friends and goofing off with just the three of us at home, we had lots of quality time to just enjoy each other.

With mentions of emotional uncertainty and making surfboards, I know that you are probably a bit worried about me right now. Like I said, my thoughts are still quite a mess. And my heart is a work-in-progress. I’ll write more about this soon, when I can at least articulate my lessons learned without references of floaties and waves. I’m taking this one step at a time in order to best sort my thoughts. However, if one thing is for sure right now, it’s that my life centers around this little girl. She makes me laugh, she makes me proud, she makes me feel young, she makes me feel smart, she makes me feel loved. And for all of those reasons, she makes me want to be a better Mommy. I love my Taylor.

I had to document this -- hummus ("thomas" in Taylor-ese) for lunch.
This is NOT my child. Ick.

Swingin' at Loralai's birthday party.

At the party, Taylor had been asking for a cupcake, but I told her that we needed to wait until after Loralai opened her presents. One of the guests decided to munch early, enjoying a cupcake WHILE Loralai opened presents. Taylor stood at the guest's feet, staring at her every bite. This is the look on her face as she glanced away from the cupcake. Her eyes just moan "puhleeease, Mommy? It's not fair." This child's love for cake is so pitiful. She IS my daughter.Loralai's cupcake destruction.Taylor giving Edwin (E-wee) some very dirty looks

for eyeing her cupcake.Ashley's precious nephews. I just love the look on Turner's face (on the left) -- he looks exhausted, and like someone is forcing him to eat his cupcake. Adorable.

Ash's sister-in-law (Mom of above boys), with her hands full. What you can't see is that there is a 6-month old and a one-year old at her feet, and her other son is getting ready to launch a ball at her head. Julie DEFINES the title "Super Mommy".

On Sunday. Just relaxing at home. Loving on her taggie.

And, the video of the weekend is Tay performing (sans clothing) the Blues Clues theme song.