A Bubbling Mess

I am a mess. I have so many emotions swirling through my brain and I can't think straight. I can't even think crooked. I just can't think. About anything more than going-through-the-motions stuff. First of all, I am busting my BUTT work-wise. I have never turned so many projects around in so little time. And it feels good. But, putting work first forces my emotions to take a backseat. I felt blessed last week because I knew that God had put a TON of work projects on my plate to keep me busy -- to keep my mind off of what was happening with the baby. And I was grateful. But, this weekend, when I had a few moments to NOT think about work, all of my emotions reared thier ugly heads and waved hello. Well, more like slapped me in the face.

Fear. Frustration. Giddyness. Sadness. Grief. Spritual warfare. Excitement. Anger. Happiness.

Yeah. Take all of these very-different flavored emotional ingredients, put them into a blender, and the messy result is what you would find in my brain if you tasted a sample. It's kind of like mixing onion (anger) with strawberries (happiness). When each food item/emotion is digested individually, it is tolerable. But, when you mix them all together, you get a nasty nasty mess that would likely be found on a Survivor Food Challenge.

The good news is that I get about 8 hours a day of reprieve. When I am working, for some reason, I can ignore the emotional smoothie. But, when 5 o'clock comes around, the mess is poured on my shoulders, drenching me and weighing me down. It's that time that I need help. I try to keep everything in perspective. Sort it all out. Digest each ingredient/deal with each emotion one-by-one. But, now that it's Monday and I'm back to my busy work schedule, the emotional mixture is forced back to the backseat. But, as soon as I end my workday, it starts to bubble. And slosh. And stink. And splash me in the side of the face. Hard to ignore. The messy mix is not staying quiet. It wants to be addressed, and it doesn't have much patience. Over the past hour, I have laughed out loud, cried real tears, and got so angry I swear there was steam coming out of my ears. My mind and heart are a mess. A big, thick, juicy, stinky mess.

Thankfully, the majority of my weekend was NOT like this emotionally! It was great. The sloshing didn't start until Sunday afternoon. Just in time to get back to work, and push the mess to the backseat. Here's a play-by-play of the non-stinky weekend.

On Saturday afternoon, we went to lunch with a friend of mine from highschool that I hadn't seen in about 12 years. It was awesome to catch up with her. We have a lot in common -- her son is sick and they are currently researching possible genetic conditions. We had a lot of fun chromosome talk -- I'm sure, if anyone overheard us, they'd think we were scientists, or brilliant doctors. Ha. Taylor had fun at lunch too. She enjoyed playing games, and eating lemons.













On Saturday night, we went to a friend's birthday party. She turned 30, and Taylor wanted her to be a princess on her special day. Of course, Julie didn't get to enjoy her gift very long.
We stayed out past Tay's bedtime on Saturday night, so church time came very early for her. She had to watch cartoons and eat oatmeal with her Hollywood-don't-bother-me glasses on.
And, come naptime, she was still pooped.
On Sunday afternoon, we headed to her good friend, Edwin's, birthday party. Tay always insists on holding the gift in the car, no matter how unyielding it is. It's a quirk she's had for a while now.
The party was AWESOME. It was held at a place called Simply Play -- there were indoor bumper cars, a jungle gym, slides, wagons, dress-up stations, foos ball and air hockey for the big kids, a snack and cake area, a rollercoaster and a TON of toys. She had a BLAST. Jimmy got to be a kid again, and I got to talk with really great friends.
And, of course, we all know how much she loves her cupcakes.



























Because I was on bed-rest last week, released on Friday afternoon, I was excited to get out and do some low-key activites. Going to birthday parties and out to lunch is not much. But it was enough. I ended up "re-injuring" myself (trying to avoid giving you too much information here) and had to go back to see the doctor this afternoon. The baby is growing great (actually a tiny bit faster than it should). The baby grew 4 days worth in 3 days. So that was good. However, the heart rate has dropped a bit. To about 124. They need it to be between 120 and 200, so we're on the low end. The doctor isn't concerned right now, but if it drops to less than 90, we have a big problem. He said that it's not uncommon for baby's hearts to fluctuate about 30 beats per minute over a few days. But, we have to be realistic with my situation. And the concern is that, in chromosomially-unhealthy babies, the heart is oftentimes the first to indicate a problem -- because it will just stop. So, slowing of the heartrate is not a good sign, knowing my situation. It may indicate that the baby is genetically ill. But, again, he said that it's normal to go up and down. We just don't want it to decrease anymore. I am to take it very easy for now though. To protect this baby as much as I am humanly possible. And let God take care of the rest.

Add all of THAT to the beautiful blend of emotions that I already had cookin'! So, please keep praying. Pray that I can start to digest this mess in my heart. And that my baby's heart makes a comeback, developing strong and healthy. Thank you, my prayer warriors. You have been a HUGE source of strength for me and, for that, I am forever grateful.