Drained

Let me preface this with two things: one, my brain’s optimism function is currently malfunctioning, which may result in a less-than-positive post. For that, I apologize, but I can’t afford to fix it right now. And two, yes, Mom, I am OK. Really.

You’ve probably figured out by the lack of silly stories and cute pictures this week that it’s been a rough one. I am feeling quite a bit of weight on my shoulders; my chest is tight, my face feels hot, my brain is over-worked and it’s all just physically and mentally draining. I’m going to use this blog, as I often do, as my therapist. Please bear with me as I dump some issues off of my shoulders and into words. Get comfy.

• You’ve heard me mention that the economy is taking its toll on us financially. Well, as of this week, it got worse. I won't go into details here, but I will say this: recession, depression, whatever -- I don’t know what this is called, but I know that it’s not fun. We’ve never been this scared financially. We rack our brains every day and night about what we can do to save money and make money. I don’t know how we will make it through this, but I do know that we will. One way or another, He WILL provide for us. After all, we’re still blessed with a warm house, nourishing food, our health and our families. I’m not sure how we’ve been able to pay all of our bills on time, but we have. (And if you saw our income/expense stream, you’d know that this is truly a miracle.) Actually, I do know. Someone once told me that it was called “God Math” -- somehow, when it seems absolutely impossible, your finances just work out. Thank you, Lord, for our daily bread! I pray that He continues to provide for us and direct us to make the right financial decisions during this time.

• We’re quickly approaching the one year anniversary of losing Poppy. I’m not sure how I’m going to hold up on February 27th. Hopefully, I’ll surprise myself and have one of those “Strong Hilary” days...and not a day like today.

• Jimmy is going back to school to finish his degree, which means time away from us and another BIG loan. But, it means that he’ll be working towards a very-important goal, one that may just cushion us from future economic crashes, and that, in itself, will make it worthwhile.
  

One thing that I have learned from my walk with God is that there are so many blessings to be grateful for, even in the darkest hours. Here’s just a few things that have helped carry me through these rough days.

• We started our small group last night. We feel so blessed to be a part of this amazing group of people. It is so clear to me that every person in that group was strategically placed there by the Lord to serve a specific purpose. Just last night, there were stories, testimonies and contributions that helped me significantly. I can only imagine what the future holds. We are so grateful to have been invited to this group. God knew that we needed this.

• Taylor’s chronic cough — the one that caused us so much fear over the past year, specifically last month — has miraculously disappeared. Thank you, Jesus! You have no idea how grateful I am for this answered prayer. We know that it may only be temporary, but I pray every day that He continues to heal her little lungs and keep our little girl healthy.

• We are still trying to get pregnant. And although it seems to be more and more emotionally difficult every month when we’re not successful, I feel more and more confident every day that He will provide for us. He will. And I will continue to pray that His provisions include another healthy little baby at some point in our lives.
  

Thank you for listening. It helps to get everything off of my chest and it has to go somewhere, so I’m sorry that it had to fall on your ears. Although things are very scary right now and my shoulders feel like they are going to break from all of the weight, I know that we are learning so much from this situation. I really don’t know what I would during during this time if I did not have my faith. I can not tell you how comforting it is to know that, even in the scariest moments of life, the Almighty Lord is holding us in His arms. He loves us and He will protect us (U.S. Airways Flight 1549 is a perfect example of that). We WILL get through this, but only through Him. I have faith.