Surgery and Strength

Tomorrow is surgery day. The past 24 hours have included a lot of time talking and meeting with doctors, going over the procedure, talking about pain/anxiety management, and making sure I'm doing OK emotionally. And, thankfully, through it all, I have been at peace. Last night was good, and today has been positive as well. Even at today's ultrasound that confirmed our baby's diagnosis, I surprised myself how well I held it together. On top of that, I have been super productive, finishing four work projects this morning, therefore clearing my schedule until Friday so that I can focus on resting and healing. I am so grateful for this sense of calm about the whole situation.

I have to admit, however, that a bit of fear is creeping in about the surgery itself. I'm not so concerned about the pain or the needles or the IVs or the operation. I'm concerned about my emotions. I'm petrified that, upon seeing the Operating Room and the doctor, that my peaceful state will finally crumble. That Satan will creep in and make my once hopeful view on reality seem a little more dark. I'm also scared -- I'm being totally honest, blunt and transparent here -- that something horrible will happen. Signing papers about anesthesia risks is not a pleasant thing. Yes, I know it's routine. But I am still scared. I do not know what is in the plan for me. I've become very aware that we can't predict what is in the plan. And, I am beyond terrified that tonight will be the last time I see Taylor. (I know it sounds grim, but I'm merely venting my emotions in an effort to clear my mind. Writing it out usually helps alleviate my fears. That's my hope here.) We are dropping Taylor off at my sister-in-law's house tonight for a sleepover, since the surgery is so early in the morning. I can tell you right now that I am not going to handle that well. Saying "goodbye" is going to break me. Please pray that God gives me strength and peace tonight as we leave Taylor, and tomorrow morning before and during surgery. That His will is for me to handle surgery well, and that I am blessed to hug on my Taylor just a few hours later.

Having said all of this, I think that it is a great victory that I am currently at peace with the loss itself. That the surgery is the only obstacle that I face, and that, through God, I can conquer that fear as well. I am so grateful for His provision of hope to me right now. For family that loves me and reminds me that I am safe in His arms. For friends that gift us with meals and pray rain over our family. For a sister-in-law that lives just a few miles away that can keep Taylor busy with endless toys and energetic cousins. For ambrosia salad and its comforting, gooey marshmallows. For the scripture that has been sent to me by friends and family, because of the powerful truth that it speaks when I am uneasy. For my daughter and my husband that make me laugh when I am on the verge of tears. For a team of doctors and nurses that hug me and pray for me. And, most importantly, for God's promise to unconditionally love, support, and provide -- both under anesthesia and awake.

Please pray that I remain peaceful through tonight and tomorrow, that the doctor's hands are guided by the Great Physician throughout surgery, that I am protected from gaining awareness of anything that will make the situation any more emotionally difficult, and that I am able to quickly begin on the road to healing. Until then, I will rest in His word.

Philippians 4
⁶Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
⁷And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.